I can't sleep, no I can't breathe (Tagged)

[Dyzzie]

[Acro.] -- Mudpaw and Silo are over due for a thread <3


The tom carried the rabbit by the scruff, his steps sure and steady as he moved through the chasym to the cave on the other side. His blue eyes were soft, but determined, needing to see the female inside the cave, to know she was still okay . . . To just see her. He tilted his head slowly, rounding the last corner, before walking into the entrance, setting the rabbit down, "Chance, it's me . . ." He called in greeting, alerting her it was him as he picked the rabbit back up, walking in a little to the well lit cave, setting it down by the natural forming pool of water before looking around, voice soft, concerned, with a gentle smile, "Chance, Honey, where are ya? I've brought some food." He added, before finally spotting her, walking forward with a kind smile, laying down a little ways away, giving her space, "I'm sorry I've not been coming as often . . . Some things have happened around the clan." He meowed with a reassuring, smiling face. "How have you been, Chance?"

[[Acro.]]

ooc:// YESSSSSSS <3

Can I clear my conscience,

If I'm different from the rest...

---

In one of the few instances where her exhaustion could pull her into a deep enough sleep to dream... she dreamed of him.

Of Chance.

The real Chance.

And of the hound that took him from her.

The way he ran. The way he cried out for her to run. The way he had left her to save her.

She dreamed of him, and of all of the horrors that might have befallen him after he'd gone. If he'd run forever... If the hound had caught him... Killed him... Maimed him...

If he had died alone.

Curled tightly against the far wall of the cave that had become her temporary home, the imposter Chance trembled while she slept, her rest fitful, as it had always been. A voice pulled her out of the darkness she swam through, a voice calling for the one she dreamed of. "Chance, it's me..." Who? It's who? "Chance, Honey, where are ya?"

Her. She was Chance, now. She was the lie.

Do I have to run and hide?
I never said that I want this...

The petite she-cat's eyes shot open and she sat up, panic setting in when she saw a figure approaching. She practically flew onto her paws, her hackles raised and her muscles bunched, ready to carry her away--far away--far from the danger... but then she saw him, and she steadied. It was him.

Only him.

Mudpaw.

She blinked an swallowed against the dry fear in her throat, forcing her fur to lie as flat as it would. She only managed to nod to him as he lied down, collecting her thoughts before they ended up in an uncontrollable flurry of madness. "I'm sorry I've not been coming as often... Some things have happened around the clan." Sorry? He was sorry?

He had saved her life--he never needed to be sorry.

"How have you been, Chance?"

Inwardly, she flinched at the sound of that name, taking a moment to remember this was not a dream. The only Chance there was her. The slender feline shuffled her paws, lowering her gaze and her ears. "I'm..." she began quietly, clearing her throat, trying to sound normal.

Normal, and not wild.

"I'm okay," she replied, needing to remember what it felt like to have a normal conversation with somebody. And, relatively speaking, she really was okay. Her pelt was a bit cleaner, her eyes a bit clearer... there were miles to go, still, but she was better. "And it's okay," she blurted, looking up quickly and then away again, remaining close to her wall. "You don't... it's okay... you don't need to come here. I know... I know there are... other things..." Her mind was confused. She didn't know how to convey her thoughts before losing them in the haze of her head, so she simply fell quiet.

She did not know how to make the cat inside of her okay with the cat in front of her.

---

This burden came to me,

And it's made it's home inside

[Dyzzie]

When the she-cat's eyes shot up, and she rose quickly to her paws, hackles rising he froze, letting her see who he was, letting her realize he wasn't a threat, waiting for her to calm down, "Easy now, darlin'. It's just me, just Mudpaw." He called, realizing he'd forgotten to include his name when he'd told her it was him . . . though, then again, who had his twang? He smiled reassuringly, waiting until her fur laid flat, before continuing his approach, and laying down a short distance away, apologizing for being absent, and how she was.

There was that same reaction to her name, a faint flicker in her eye, another hint that it might not be her real name - though he didn't pressure her about it, instead smiling reassuring, watching her shuffle her paws, lower her gaze, her ears. She was so shy, so delicate, but she was getting better. Slowly. He was seeing the difference. A bit more meat on her bones, her pelt was cleaner, better cared for, her eyes a bit clearer. She was slowly becoming normal. And it was partially his help.

He smiled when she commented on being okay, before blurting that 'it' was okay. He tilted his head lightly in confusion, though her next words cleared it up, telling him he didn't need to come, she knew there were other things. He shuffled closer, laying a paw against hers, gently licking her shoulder, making sure she was okay with the closeness, with the contact, with him, before speaking, "Hey now, honey, don't ya worry your pretty little head about that." He meowed with a soft chuckle, "I'll always make time to come see you.

"How else are my days suppose to be brighter." He teased her gently. And she really did help make them brighter, he enjoyed his time with her, getting to know her, being around someone who wasn't just clan. To be around someone who seemed to like him. He smiled softly, reassuringly, "Besides, I like to make sure your safe, that you're okay. It worries me when I don't know . . . You're important to me, darlin'." He meowed gently, before nudging her shoulder softly, reassuringly. She was very important to him . . .

[[Acro.]]

Can I clear my conscience,

If I'm different from the rest...

---

He was doing it again.

That thing he did where he came close--closer to her--and she didn't know what to do. She was... used to it, by then, or maybe "accustomed" is the better word, but she still was never sure how to direct herself in these situations. Really, she just did her best to be aware, and to be still--not rigid, just... calm.

When she was calm, he was soothing. She wanted to be calm for that.

"I'll always make time to come see you. How else are my days suppose to be brighter?"

Her pale eyes shot up to his for a confused, almost startled, moment. What? Brighter? She could probably come up with one thousand ways to make his day brighter than coming to see her. She looked away again, but his next words had her gaze fixed onto his in the following instant:

"Besides, I like to make sure you're safe, that you're okay. It worries me when I don't know... You're important to me, darlin'."

...important?

Do I have to run and hide?
I never said that I want this...

Eyes wide, confused, 'Chance' felt herself doing something she had not done in... what, in her lifetime? Maybe. It at least felt that way.

She smiled.

The gesture was small, subtle against her guarded (somewhat bewildered) expression. And it wavered unsteadily, as though her facial muscles did not understand how, or have the capacity, to maintain it for more than a moment. She was discovering these small instances happening more and more, once, sometimes twice, in a day. She would think or feel or do something in such a way that forced her mind and her body to rethink its programming and remember how to behave "normally." What, she could just lay down and rest whenever she felt like it? She could groom herself, because she didn't always need to be on the move? She didn't need to spend all of her mental energies looking for ways to escape, ways to survive? Granted, these were just momentary reprieves from her usual state, because she still scrutinized the cave entrance for danger, felt her paws itching to run, let her head keep everything on high alert... and she would still panic.

And with this panic came the painful reminder that, no, she could not, and could never be, normal.

Her smile had finally fallen, her body unsure of how to maintain it, and so she again looked away from the tom, who was so near to her. Carefully, she sat back on her haunches, needing to manually decide of this was a safe maneuver--if she could risk sitting down. "Yes, sit." So she managed it, and she sat. "The things... in your Clan," she began unsurely, lowering her ears nervously. "Are they... because of me? Is it trouble?" And then her mind took off and her eyes snapped back up, the light behind them urgent, her heart picking up speed. "Because I can leave," she blurted, on her paws again and shifting a step or two away from the tom. "If I'm causing trouble, I can leave. I can go. It's okay. I can." Words were spilling out of her and her gaze flew toward the cave's entrance. "I shouldn't stay. This is bad for you. The Clan. I can go. It's okay."

It's okay.

She was used to going.

---

This burden came to me,

And it's made it's home inside

[Dyzzie]

The tom watched as he moved closer, making sure she wouldn't panic, show any signs of discomfort - give him a reason to back off. She didn't, instead just staying still, calm. She was getting better. Even he could see it. She was getting better, more accustomed to the fact she didn't have to run as much, have to defend herself as much, she was still on high alert though. As her gaze shot up to his, he chuckled, an easy warm smile on his features, his pale blue eyes sincere watching her look away before he surprised her again - apparently - her gaze moving back to him.

And he was rewarded with a blessing, a gift as rare as a blue moon (perhaps even more rare than that), a true blessing he'd not expected. She smiled. It was small, yes, hardly there. Delicate, fragile against the guarded expression of her face, wavering faintly - but it was a real, honest smile. And perhaps the best feeling in the world was gifted to him at the soft wobble of such a fragile smile.

Her smile didn't last nearly as long as he'd have hoped, have wanted, but it was long enough to see an impact, a change - to notice just how he was helping the female - making it better for her. Making it better, indeed. She sat then, before speaking, her tone unsure, her ears lowering in nervousness, and he looked surprised, "In trouble, because of you? Of course not darlin', do you worry about that. Nothin' about what is goin' on is -" He wasn't sure how much she head, as her eyes snapped up, expression urgent as she declared she could leave.

And just like that, his flighty female was on her paws, shifting a step or two away, stating she can leave if she was causing trouble, that it was okay, that she shouldn't stay, that it was bad for him, his clan. He only heard part of it. Just as quickly, he pushed himself to his paws, using his body to block her view of the exit, desperate to stand between her and the potential escape, "Hey now . . . Darlin' look at me." He meowed softly.

"Nothin' goin' on has anything to do with ya. It's another clan messing with us, and our medicine cat not doing our job. Well, it actually, potentially might be more than one clan messin' with us. but it has nothing to do with you, and I don't want you to go . . . ." There it was . . . his personal truth. She would have problem been okay to leave a while ago, she was much healthier, enough to travel again. It wasn't that she couldn't leave. Shouldn't leave . . . it's that he didn't want her to leave. He didn't want her to go . . . . He wanted her to stay where he could visit her, where he could see her and for a moment forget the problems at camp. Where he could forget the craziness going on. Forget the training he was pushing himself through until he was almost weak with exhaustion - just to become a warrior, because his mentor bailed. Forget the pain in his heart to have not been bumped up to warrior status at the last ceremony. To forget the struggles of his every day life.

Because, here, with her; it all melted away. Until it was just them, in this small cave, where nothing else could reach them. Where no one else could bother them. It was just them. And he didn't have to be anything more than just Mudpaw. He smiled softly, gently, brushing his cheek against hers, his whisper soft, barely there, with a tinge of desperation, hope . . . a plea, "Please, don't leave . . ."

[[Acro.]]

Can I clear my conscience,

If I'm different from the rest...

---

The exit.

Her escape.

Gone.

Her heart lurched in her chest, her breathing shallow, her mind not registering Mudpaw's body as the reason the exit had disappeared from her view. It was just gone. Gone, and she was trapped. Trapped again. She had to find another way out. She had to go. She had to--

"... look at me."

Mudpaw.

Panting quietly, the she-cat's eyes darted this way and that before finally coming to rest on the two blue oceans--the stars--that were Mudpaw's. She found them, and she held onto them, trying to listen--trying to come back.

"Nothin'... has anything to do with ya. It's another clan... our medicine cat... potentially might be more than one clan... but it has nothing to do with you... I don't want you to go."

Her panic subsided just enough to make some room for her confusion. He didn't want her to go? Why on earth wouldn't he want her gone? She was nothing--a nothing that could potentially cause him and everyone he was loyal to and cared about a whole mess of trouble.

And then he was close again, his voice breezing through her ear like an anchor, keeping her grounded: "Please, don't leave."

'Chance' remained frozen there, rigid, eyes wide as they stared past Mudpaw's creamy fur, his shoulder, tail... to the entrance. To her escape.

but... what was she escaping from? From this? From him? He was no danger--no threat to her...

And yet, a war still waged inside of her, one side screaming for her to run while the other screamed just as loudly for her to stay.

Do I have to run and hide?
I never said that I want this...

Slowly, stiffly, the fawn-coated feline took a step backward, pulling away from Mudpaw, from his safety--from the security that felt so very dangerous. She took a small step to the side, her gaze fixed pointedly onto the exit which was now in clear view behind the tom. She did not move, but she felt the mouth of the cave drawing her toward it while her paws remained still. "Go, run," it told her. And she could do it.

"Stay."

Her eyes flickered briefly back toward Mudpaw, searching his face, his eyes, remembering how his voice had pulled her back... and then she looked back to the entrance, and she took an anxious step toward it.

but then her eyes dropped promptly onto the rabbit Mudpaw had brought with him, and she stood over it. She was silent, and then, slowly, still not sure of herself, the she-cat sat down beside the limp prey, her voice carrying quietly to Mudpaw. "...is this for me?"

A question: simple, normal--as though she hadn't just been about to take off and never come back again.

---

This burden came to me,

And it's made it's home inside

[Dyzzie]

The tom looked at the female slowly, watching her shallow breathing, watching her reaction to him moving in front of him, the panic that was coming back and he spoke softly, pleaing for her to come back to the real world with only the tone of his voice. Slowly, she seemed to come to, her gaze darting to his, holding his eyes, and he looked at her with a slow, easy, gentle smile. A delicate, tender smile that was becoming reserved for just her. A smile that he only wanted to be just for her (not that he cared to admit it). He spoke softly, reassuring, telling her it wasn't her fault.

Telling her he didn't want her to go. And he didn't. To him, Chance was special. She was more than just some female he'd helped to keep safe. She was a companion, a friend, a reason for him to keep pushing himself. A reason for him. It was in those rare brief thoughts that the tom was aware he was starting to lose himself. Lose himself in his desperate drive to be a warrior. Losing himself as the chance was ripped from him, and he was forced to wait another moon - or three. Losing himself as he saw less and less of his best friend. Losing himself as his entire world began to crumble . . . . She kept him grounded too.

She was far more important to him than she knew. He smiled softly, speaking as he moved closer, whispering for her to not leave, not wanting to beg, but not wanting to give up either. She was frozen, her eyes staring past him, and he knew . . . it wasn't him she was focused on. It was that exit, that escape, that chance he might soon lose her too. That one key that kept him from losing himself . . . . with out her - what might he become.

His breath drew in, uncertain nervous as she took a step back, pulling away from him. He stopped breathing completely as she took a small step to the side, facing the exit clearly. That look in her eyes . . . he knew. He mirrored her actions, taking a small step to the side as well, giving her a chance, a chance to leave if she really wanted to. Giving her a chance, even as he spoke one word. Her gaze flickered back to him, and he met those eyes, those eyes that seemed to search his, his own pale blue irises pleading for her to not leave, but not making any other move to stop it. She took an anxious step forward, and his breath died in his throat, body frozen. She'd leave.

His gaze lowered, waiting to hear the sound of her paws disappearing, her scent fading, her being gone . . . . until her voice startled him, turning to watch her sit down by the prey he'd brought, asking if it was for her. His breath returned with a sharp intake before he slowly nodded, not approaching her just yet, keeping his space again, keeping the space he needed to clear his own head. He was too attached, she'd leave eventually - and what would he do then . . . He was too attached to the female . . . Yet he smiled anyway, his gaze soft, honest, earnest, "Yes . . . of course . . . I thought ya might be hungry, darlin'." He'd never let her know how much she effected him . . . . He'd never guilt her, use that to control her . . . . He'd have to let her go, one day . . . He knew that . . . Just not today . . . Not today. Just one more day with her . . . . but he'd always want that. He'd always beg for just one more day.

[[Acro.]]

ooc:// Breakin' my heart over here...

Can I clear my conscience,

If I'm different from the rest...

---

"Yes... of course... I thought ya might be hungry, darlin'."

The she-cat glanced back to Mudpaw and then returned her gaze to the rabbit. Of all of the prey she had ever eaten, she always felt the most sorry for rabbits. She supposed it was because a part of her related to them, their speeding hearts, their flighty nature... but that had never stopped her from eating them, when she had the chance--which wasn't often.

She wasn't sure she had ever actually caught one for herself.

Blinking out of her own head, 'Chance', after making sure she was, in fact, still sitting down in the cave and not sprinting through the mountains, quietly cleared her throat and spoke back to Mudpaw, her frequent companion.

Her protector.

Her anchor.

"Thank you... but... I don't think I can eat all of this," she remarked. After moons and moons of burning energy on the constant brink of starvation, the she-cat found she could no longer eat more than a moderate meal, on a good day, at any one time.

Do I have to run and hide?
I never said that I want this...

Her ears lowered in slight embarrassment, her skin hot as she suddenly became anxious about seeming ungrateful. She didn't want Mudpaw to think she didn't appreciate the food he brought her, just because she wouldn't be able to finish it all. "Sorry," she murmured quietly, her paws gently kneading the cave floor. "You should... you should eat some," she said, still not quite sure how one cat was supposed to invite another cat to share in a meal.

Since being on her own, 'Chance' did not have many occasions to offer or be offered prey. And, certainly, when she had food, she had learned to cling to it--to eat it quickly and move on, savoring anything she could keep for herself and praying nothing else came along to take it from her.

This whole 'sharing' thing was still a foreign concept.

---

This burden came to me,

And it's made it's home inside

[Dyzzie]

The tom looked at her gently, watching her glance up at him before looking back at the rabbit. He grinned gently, motioning for her to eat it, hoping she'd accept the offer. She cleared her throat and he looked back at her before tilting his head when she said thank you, commenting then that she doubted she'd be able to eat all of it. He chuckled softly, gently with a nod, understanding.

He wouldn't admit he worked hard to find her a decent sized rabbit in the fresh-kill pile. Her ears lowered and he had to smile softly, "No need to apologize, darlin'" He purred softly before looking surprised when she suggested he should eat some too. He nodded once, moving closer, "I'd be honored . . . to share a meal with you, darlin'." He meowed softly, using a claw to gently rip the rabbit open enough to expose the meat, "Go on, take the first bite . . . You could use a bit more to eat." He teased with a small laugh, before taking a bite for himself. Sharing a meal with her . . . . It was a start . . . He just hoped it was a start to a beautiful beginning, not a start to an end.

[[Acro.]]

ooc:// Dyzzie!! I am so sorry D: Not sure if you saw my status, but I just started a SECOND job, and I'm still adjusting to the new time commitment :c
Also, me with Mudpaw every time: clickety-click

Can I clear my conscience,

If I'm different from the rest...

---

"I'd be honored... to share a meal with you, darlin'."

Honored?

but... who was she, compared to someone like him? He was a cat with a purpose, with a code... with a life that carried meaning.

Hers was a life that took up space in a world already too full of better cats.

No--no, she should be honored that he even thought enough of her to bring her a meal. In his life, so full of promise and potential and light... she was a darkness; a shadow, small and insignificant and easily forgotten. She supposed she'd had her chance to make her life mean something, to become something... but, through fate and no fault of her own, it had all been lost, and she'd never been let to try again. He should not be honored.

but he was.

Skin prickling, the she-cat lowered her ears, keeping her eyes down as the young tom prepped their meal. "Go on, take the first bite... You could use a bit more to eat." Her pale eyes flicked up, ears perking forwards at the joke--at his laugh. She glanced down, looking herself over, seeing her thin limbs and how her stringy muscles contoured her thinner pelt. Her whiskers twitched--a gesture that would have been a smile, had smiles come naturally to her. Obediently, she took a small bite out of the tender prey, watching as Mudpaw did the same.

Do I have to run and hide?
I never said that I want this...

Taking another bite, the she-cat sat back and let her eyes move carefully from the prey and onto the tom, flitting back again seconds later. Recalling a small note of civility, she remembered to lick her muzzle clean before opening her mouth to speak, her voice quiet. "Um..." she began, looking away, her tail curling around herself self-consciously. "Mudpaw?" A brief glance up; a shuffle of her paws. "After... this," she paused to nod down to the rabbit between them. "Could... could we maybe... go out?" she kept her ears low, practically ashamed of the question. She wasn't asking to leave--she was just asking if he could show her around. She had been avoiding this request since her arrival, not wanting to get him in trouble by having others find out about her, make them ask questions...

but she had to ask.

She just didn't want the cave to swallow her.

"It's okay--we don't have to," she added hurriedly. "I mean, it's fine, if I'm not supposed to... you know." Was she even allowed into the territory, even with him? Or was this cave all she would be seeing, now? It wasn't a bad cave... it was secure--a good hiding place...

but the last time she had found a place like this to stay, she'd realized one day that, though unspoken, she wasn't actually allowed to leave. She'd been making her home in a prison, surrounded by monsters... and she supposed her subconscious was just making sure it wasn't happening all over again.

---

This burden came to me,

And it's made it's home inside